Opinion, Story

Workplace Etiquette – Bathrooms

I’m sure this is bound to be a multi-part post, but for real, what is it about sharing a *work* space that turns people into the most disgusting pigs of all time? Or are people truly like this in their every day life too? If so, this is what’s wrong with the world.

My number 1 Workplace Etiquette Pet Peeve is probably other people’s bathroom habits.

When I worked in retail, I expected the bathroom to be a place of whoa’s. At one of the stores I worked in (thankfully on my day off) it appeared as if someone had taken Alli and ate too much fat in one meal and blew the bathroom up. Honestly, I’ve never heard of such a thing being true, it was always said in expression, but no… a lady had gone into the women’s bathroom and had massive explosive diarrhea and it wound up in the toilet, on the toilet, on the floor, on the wall behind the toilet, and the shitty panties were left in the trashcan… EW. Yeah, in my experience, most ladies who use the ladies room are not ladies in the manners and etiquette department…

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Now, I work in a professional office with professional people and I swear, the bathroom behaviors truly are not any better. I question things a lot… like how hard is it to flush all your business down the toilet? Flush it twice ok? A courtesy flush…

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Why is there soap in the floor? Running down the wall? Is this the building that drips soap?

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Why do you feel like you have to announce to the office that you’re going to the bathroom? If you make a mess in there of any kind, we now know who to blame…

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Why is there shredded toilet paper? I know we have to keep buying this cheap horrible 1 ply toilet paper because it’s cheap. It doesn’t help my life when you struggle to tear your portion of it off properly and it’s mangled or if you’ve just let it go down to dirty floor. No one should wipe themselves with floor debris toilet paper.

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Who keeps buying these horribly scented air freshener sprays? Do they think they’re working? They’re not. All I smell is stale apple cinnamon potpourri that’s been sitting on Aunt Edna’s coffee table for 5 years mixed with poo-stank. No one thinks pina colada poop is a pleasant office smell. “Shit the Bed Fred Clean Linen” shouldn’t be a thing. Maybe we can stop wasting money on sprays to mask what you did and get some of that essential oil spray to spray in the toilet before the darkness happens..

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Why is there water EVERYWHERE?! Did the toilet overflow? Did you shake your wet hands all over the place trying to dry them before you grabbed a paper towel? Did you shower in here? Please… at least tell me it’s water…

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Normally, I’m one of the first people here. I also work in a predominately female office. We have two single person bathrooms – one for the public and one that is employees only with a pass code lock on it. As being one of the first people here, I can safely say I know that I’m one of the first people to use the bathroom – the first if the seat is up because that means the custodian scrubbed the toilet and left the seat up as his sign to say “ladies, the toilet is clean, please be the first to touch the clean seat.” At least, that’s what I hope he’s saying….

Anyways, I got to the office one day and noticed that the toilet seat was up (so it’s clean) but someone had gone into the bathroom and washed their hands and threw the paper towels in the floor… In. The. Floor. right in front of the trashcan. Then I walk in far enough to see the inside of the toilet, it’s been used and there are fecal streaks running down the bowl and there’s still a few solid pieces in the toilet. GROSS! I flushed the rest of this person’s business down the toilet and walked to the other side of the room to wait. There are two trashcans in this bathroom and they’re both empty, as the paper towels this animal used are in the floor. When I feel it’s safe I return to the toilet, do what little business I needed to do (all this work for so very little..) I reach for the toilet paper and notice it’s a brand new roll… I’m the first one to use it… and here’s where the questions come in:

Who poops with the lid up? Did you poop and then put the lid back up? Were you in such a hurry that you forgot to put the seat down? How did you not fall in? Did you do a hover poop?

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Why am I using a brand new roll of toilet paper, but there’s not an empty roll in any of the trashcans? Did you not *use* toilet paper? What kind of savage are you?

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Would it have killed you to put the paper towels in the trashcan? You were so close, why would you have left them in the floor??? Did you use paper towels instead of toilet paper? Did you leave them there because you didn’t want to pick them up and risk touching your own dirt?

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Seriously???? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS MANY QUESTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO USING A SHARED BATHROOM!?

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Story

Am I Being Punk’d?

I have seriously thought about writing a book about all of the crazy work related stories my friends and I share. It would be just some sort of long essay or collection of short stories if I chose to write about my experiences only.  While I’m sure we’ve all had our fair share of cringe worthy tales or daily annoyances in the work world, I thought I would share one of my greatest “WTF” moments I’ve ever experienced on the job. Hopefully once you read about this totally true and horrifying tale of human stupidity, you’ll feel better about having to come up with a cheesy reply to, “well if there’s no price tag, that means it’s free right?!”

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Years ago when I was in college, I took a summer job at a local pet shop. Looking back on it now, I don’t know why I ever got involved with a pet shop. I’m against designer dogs and want to throw up at the thought of someone spending $1,000+ to finance the dog when you can go to your local animal shelter and save a life as well as find a new best friend.

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This particular evening, I wasn’t scheduled. I went in because I was waiting for a co-worker to get off work so we could catch a movie. That’s how innocently my evening began. The shop phone rang and the manager looked puzzled as she asked the caller to hold. She looked at me and said the phone call was for me. What? No one knew I was there. She asked me to take the call since they called for me personally. What ensued next could have never been imagined in my wildest dreams.

Phone Conversation:

Me: “How may I help you?”                                                                                                                 Customer: “I don’t know if you remember me or not, but I bought a rabbit from you about a week ago.”

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Ok, so I thought it was innocent enough, but honestly, I had no clue who this man was. I worked at a pet shop and we sold a lot of bunnies. I immediately went into panic mode as I thought, “great, this man is calling me to complain and raise all kinds of hell because the damn bunny was probably sick or had wet tail and died.” I collected myself.

Me: “No sir, I’m sorry, I don’t recall you specifically. Is there an issue with the rabbit?” Customer: “Well, I don’t think so. It’s like this you see. We bought the rabbit and set it’s cage up and everything’s been fine. We had company over yesterday and they brought their kids with them. We were all sitting around and having a good time and they got real upset when they peered behind us into our utility room. They grabbed their kids and told us that they were leaving and not coming back until we got control of our animals.  We had no idea what in the world they were talking about until we looked into the utility room and see our Rottweiler trying to get to the rabbit through the cage… you know… sexually…. in any event, I was calling to see if there was any kind of spray or something that I could spray on my rabbit to make my dog not want to mate with it.”

My facial expressions do a really poor job at hiding my reaction thoughts. I know this. What I wasn’t aware of how my face went to pleasant,

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to concerned,

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to horrified,

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to “you’re so stupid I’m now having to squint to deal with this conversation”

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in no time flat. I also wasn’t aware that my facial expressions had drawn a crowd of my co-workers dying to know who I was speaking to and what had caused my face to go out of control.

Me: “Sir, they make behavioral sprays for animals to keep them from chewing or biting and possibly to train them to not bark, but for that specific purpose, no.”                 Customer: “So you’re telling me there’s nothing?”                                                                      Me: “Sir, I’m going to ask you a question, but I think I already know the answer to it. Is your dog fixed?”                                                                                                                       Customer: “What do you mean fixed?”                                                                                              Me: “Did you follow the advice of Mr. Bob Barker at the end of every Price is Right and get your dog spayed or neutered?”                                                                                      Customer: “Well, I don’t know.”                                                                                                        Me: “Not to be rude, but how do you not know something like that?”                               Customer: “I got him off a buddy of mine and he never mentioned anything. I know I haven’t done anything to him.”                                                                                                         Me: “I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your dog isn’t fixed. You will need to make an appointment with your vet office and have them examine the dog and possibly make an appointment to get him fixed.”

It’s at this point in time that I’m completely unaware that I just opened Pandora’s Box. Maybe I had this coming to me. Maybe I should have just hung up after the first 20 seconds of the conversation. However, had I done that, I wouldn’t have this juicy story to share with all of you.

Customer: “I don’t have money for a vet and that sounds kind of expensive. Is that just something I can do myself?”

Related imageMe: “NO! No! You can *not* do that yourself sir. Do you understand what I’m saying when I say ‘get your dog fixed’?”                                                                                               Customer: “Honestly, no not really. I’ve never really had a dog.”                                           Me: “Sir, do you know what a vasectomy is on a human man? Well that’s kind of what they’ll do to the dog… but they’re going to remove them all together.”                           Customer: “OH! Oh.. good Lord… I’m glad you told me that! I would have f*#%ed his world all up if I would have tried to do that myself, huh?”                                                    Me: “Ya think? Sir, if you can’t afford to have the surgery done, maybe you should reach out to your local animal shelter or even to the vet’s office. Maybe they have a discount program or know of someone who will work with you on a payment plan. Just to re-cap our conversation: there’s no spray for your rabbit and it’s not a problem with your rabbit, it’s a problem with your dog, a problem of which he needs surgery to correct.”

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At that point I don’t remember saying good-bye to this man. I just think I was in shock. Is this real life? Oh yeah, real life. It would only happen to me. Was this a local radio station playing a prank? Was it someone who worked there trying to see how far I would go with the conversation? Apparently, in the name of good customer service, I’d go pretty far to not hang up on what could have been someone’s ultimate Punk’d prank.

I would love to be able to tell you all that this was the end of this story. Unfortunately, this man had the brass balls to call me a week later to just “check and see” if anyone had come out with a spray to deter his dog from the rabbit… I wasn’t so nice the second time around. I may have made mention that he probably didn’t need to own animals if he couldn’t be a responsible pet owner…. but that’s just a “maybe I said it.”

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Thankfully, I’ve never had to discuss inter-species erotica with another customer in the past 12 years, so that’s something… right?